WAKING UP SOBER…
…many days in a row now, nearly a month even, feels surprisingly and refreshingly wonderful. Moments of boredom or frustration tantalize with the old story of “just a few won’t hurt”, then I bring to mind the many events, too many to name, that have begun this journey of sobriety. I sometimes literally shake it off, out of my head, then distract myself with something positive, and am ultimately happy that I have forgone yet another craving/temptation.
Waking up sober…
…means waking up to a full memory of the night’s events, perhaps UNevents, even still, so nice. For a while now, I’ve been choosing stability and tranquil over unpredictable craziness, so it only makes sense that sobriety would eventually follow suit. What a wonderful feeling to know that I have pissed no one off in some drunken tantrum, and the friends I have today will be there tomorrow. To recall that I have not used words to hurt those I truly care for… to know I have disrespected no one, including myself.
Waking up sober…
…is still a daily choice… a process started without any guarantees or foresight into probable success. What I keep in the forefront of my mind is all the above positive, which proves to reinforce my steps and guide me, day in and day out. Knowing that I set forth on this path not alone steadies me when I feel shaken… Thanks are to God and those who have had faith enough to see me through the rough spots, and who can now enjoy the fruits of their labors of love.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Equality For All!
Even if you are not gay or bi-sexual, you may still believe in equal rights for same sex couples. Let your voice be heard, make your vote count, and go to the below link to sign a petition which is fighting for same sex marriage rights. I did it, it's easy, only takes a few seconds, but could make a World of difference!
http://www.MillionForMarriage.org
http://www.MillionForMarriage.org
Friday, April 11, 2008
April Post...
It just occured to me that April is coming to a close, and I have yet to post in nearly a month. So, here's April's post, as some how, I don't invision visiting this space until May.
The last month or so has been a bit of a blurr.... I'm not quite sure when or how or why. I've floated through days seemingly without a hitch, at least not one I have allowed to weigh heavy. I've laughed, way more than I've cried, and I've trailed fun more than burdens have followed me. So, maybe that is why the last month has sped on by .... because...
I am happy, really and truly happy!
The last month or so has been a bit of a blurr.... I'm not quite sure when or how or why. I've floated through days seemingly without a hitch, at least not one I have allowed to weigh heavy. I've laughed, way more than I've cried, and I've trailed fun more than burdens have followed me. So, maybe that is why the last month has sped on by .... because...
I am happy, really and truly happy!
Friday, March 21, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Just the Latest
I can hardly believe that March is wrapping up already... mostly because February was spent in a blurr of frantic traveling. I know I haven't written for quite a spell, just been so dang busy, it's been hard to catch my breath, much less sit still for ten minutes.
So I figured I'd update those of you who stay in touch with me mostly through this blogsite. I got home from Virginia for only a few short days before I spent a much needed and very romantic four days in the Smokies with my wonderful gal. I hadn't realized how much I cared for her until I thought I was losing her to another. She contended that she wanted to go on with me, see what a future might offer, instead of traveling backwards into the past with her ex-love. Certainly a sentiment I respect, as I know that is the only way to go for me, as well. Why I had resisted "letting go" for so long, because once I do, well, I just don't believe in backtracking.
My dad is doing much better... He's home, and actually following the doctor's orders to a tee. In the past he has been so stubborn regarding his health, guess a brush with death will convince even the most obstinate.
I'm working on delving into the "writing world": fixing my resume, cover letter, and then sending them out. I'm realizing how much time I've spent "thinking" about all of this, all the while, "doing" nothing. It's time for me to start DOING... of course the little, gentle nudges from my terrific gal are paramount to my following through. I actually even have a 5 year personal plan now, thanks to her not giving up on me. Just a little shout out to her, giving her props that she has earned and deserves... I wish I could do more for you, but this is a step, right?
So I figured I'd update those of you who stay in touch with me mostly through this blogsite. I got home from Virginia for only a few short days before I spent a much needed and very romantic four days in the Smokies with my wonderful gal. I hadn't realized how much I cared for her until I thought I was losing her to another. She contended that she wanted to go on with me, see what a future might offer, instead of traveling backwards into the past with her ex-love. Certainly a sentiment I respect, as I know that is the only way to go for me, as well. Why I had resisted "letting go" for so long, because once I do, well, I just don't believe in backtracking.
My dad is doing much better... He's home, and actually following the doctor's orders to a tee. In the past he has been so stubborn regarding his health, guess a brush with death will convince even the most obstinate.
I'm working on delving into the "writing world": fixing my resume, cover letter, and then sending them out. I'm realizing how much time I've spent "thinking" about all of this, all the while, "doing" nothing. It's time for me to start DOING... of course the little, gentle nudges from my terrific gal are paramount to my following through. I actually even have a 5 year personal plan now, thanks to her not giving up on me. Just a little shout out to her, giving her props that she has earned and deserves... I wish I could do more for you, but this is a step, right?
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
I Love My Dad
Today I venture home after spending the last several days in Virginia. I am frustrated with leaving before I can truly talk with my father, as he is still hooked up to a machine that is doing most of his breathing for him. It breaks my heart to see him lying there, tubes everywhere, leaving him inconceivably uncomfortable and unable to communicate easily. He does do quite a good job with his eyes though, pleading with us to get these tubes removed from his throat. I understand, as I was right there in the same ICU unit, having a ventilator breathe for me, just four short years ago. How I wish I could do something to ease his discomfort.
It was reassuring to see his eyes light up with joy and surprise when he first saw me. I saw how much he truly adores me, flaws and all, and that our last disagreement had been long forgotten and forgiven. The entire nine-hour drive from Louisville to here, I kept replaying our last big fight, the one that had taken place only a few short weeks before, when I had visited last. I had said some pretty harsh things, things I swore I would never say, disrespecting him the way I did through untruthful words of disdain.
I had promised myself long ago not to engage in these sort of brawls with him, knowing full well that he is set in his ways, and though I may talk until I am blue in the face, my words will never persuade him to think otherwise. Especially in regards to my lesbian life-style – this is a futile disagreement – agreeing to disagree will be the most amicable resolution we can ever endorse. Knowing that his health is not what it used to be, I decided long ago that it was not worth the risk of our last words to be of any other fashion than unconditional love and respect. Feeling certain that he will come through his latest health pitfall, I will make certain to withhold this agreement with myself, and fight no more, at least, not about things that neither of us will willingly concede to the other.
It was reassuring to see his eyes light up with joy and surprise when he first saw me. I saw how much he truly adores me, flaws and all, and that our last disagreement had been long forgotten and forgiven. The entire nine-hour drive from Louisville to here, I kept replaying our last big fight, the one that had taken place only a few short weeks before, when I had visited last. I had said some pretty harsh things, things I swore I would never say, disrespecting him the way I did through untruthful words of disdain.
I had promised myself long ago not to engage in these sort of brawls with him, knowing full well that he is set in his ways, and though I may talk until I am blue in the face, my words will never persuade him to think otherwise. Especially in regards to my lesbian life-style – this is a futile disagreement – agreeing to disagree will be the most amicable resolution we can ever endorse. Knowing that his health is not what it used to be, I decided long ago that it was not worth the risk of our last words to be of any other fashion than unconditional love and respect. Feeling certain that he will come through his latest health pitfall, I will make certain to withhold this agreement with myself, and fight no more, at least, not about things that neither of us will willingly concede to the other.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
In the Wake of Confusion
I do not know what to say... me... without words, yet I yearn to adequately express this torrent of emotion. Maybe it is too soon to valiantly attempt, as I feel I have just been blindsided, pelted unexpectedly, by the words of my lover, whose claim of confusion now has her frozen in indecision.
Write, I must, to give some release to the pressure building up inside of me, tears have been my only relief thus far, and this pang has not lessened thru the birth of waterfalls. So write, I shall, all the words I would say to you, if only I felt at liberty.
Maybe I didn’t put up an adequate fight, maybe you see my letting go, peacefully, though through tears, as a sign that I do not care for you.... I do care, perhaps even more than I was consciously aware before this looming possibility of “good-bye” was introduced.
As I told you to take some time, the next few days to be still and quiet, going within yourself to discover where your heart wants to go, I trembled inside. I tried to put on a brave face, saying things like I only want you to be happy, and if being with her will produce more happiness than me being in your life, well, that is what I want for you then. Thing is, you took me aback a bit, as you compassionately questioned my state of happiness, asking... what about me?
It was in that instant that I felt my heart drop a little further, falling for you even more, as I witnessed the most beautiful display of altruistic concern and compassion through the sincerity of your words.
I don’t know what to think or do at this point… wait, I suppose, as you meander over your feelings from the past and bring them to current date. Will you choose a love that has been tested and tried, go back to the arms you once felt so at home in… OR, will you take a chance, leave the past to the past, and begin brand new on a journey with one who truly adores you?
I think I did the right thing in letting go, surrendering to your feelings, as this truly has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. It’s your future, after all, and I only warned that you are content and willing to stick by your decision once you make it. My days of waiting around pathetically in line for that roller coaster ride are over. I value myself now, and realize that I have a lot to give to another; therefore, I cannot allow myself to venture down that path again.
And even as I express those feelings, deep inside, I know you would never have me wait around anyway. You are much too sensitive and caring to ever given way to such a desire. Maybe this is so incredibly painful because I have just experienced such similar disappointment – hell – heartbreak. Or, maybe, just maybe, it hurts because it DOES, because I care for you, because I felt you cared for me, and none of that seems to matter in the wake of this confusion.
Write, I must, to give some release to the pressure building up inside of me, tears have been my only relief thus far, and this pang has not lessened thru the birth of waterfalls. So write, I shall, all the words I would say to you, if only I felt at liberty.
Maybe I didn’t put up an adequate fight, maybe you see my letting go, peacefully, though through tears, as a sign that I do not care for you.... I do care, perhaps even more than I was consciously aware before this looming possibility of “good-bye” was introduced.
As I told you to take some time, the next few days to be still and quiet, going within yourself to discover where your heart wants to go, I trembled inside. I tried to put on a brave face, saying things like I only want you to be happy, and if being with her will produce more happiness than me being in your life, well, that is what I want for you then. Thing is, you took me aback a bit, as you compassionately questioned my state of happiness, asking... what about me?
It was in that instant that I felt my heart drop a little further, falling for you even more, as I witnessed the most beautiful display of altruistic concern and compassion through the sincerity of your words.
I don’t know what to think or do at this point… wait, I suppose, as you meander over your feelings from the past and bring them to current date. Will you choose a love that has been tested and tried, go back to the arms you once felt so at home in… OR, will you take a chance, leave the past to the past, and begin brand new on a journey with one who truly adores you?
I think I did the right thing in letting go, surrendering to your feelings, as this truly has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. It’s your future, after all, and I only warned that you are content and willing to stick by your decision once you make it. My days of waiting around pathetically in line for that roller coaster ride are over. I value myself now, and realize that I have a lot to give to another; therefore, I cannot allow myself to venture down that path again.
And even as I express those feelings, deep inside, I know you would never have me wait around anyway. You are much too sensitive and caring to ever given way to such a desire. Maybe this is so incredibly painful because I have just experienced such similar disappointment – hell – heartbreak. Or, maybe, just maybe, it hurts because it DOES, because I care for you, because I felt you cared for me, and none of that seems to matter in the wake of this confusion.
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