In the Wake of Confusion

I do not know what to say... me... without words, yet I yearn to adequately express this torrent of emotion. Maybe it is too soon to valiantly attempt, as I feel I have just been blindsided, pelted unexpectedly, by the words of my lover, whose claim of confusion now has her frozen in indecision.

Write, I must, to give some release to the pressure building up inside of me, tears have been my only relief thus far, and this pang has not lessened thru the birth of waterfalls. So write, I shall, all the words I would say to you, if only I felt at liberty.

Maybe I didn’t put up an adequate fight, maybe you see my letting go, peacefully, though through tears, as a sign that I do not care for you.... I do care, perhaps even more than I was consciously aware before this looming possibility of “good-bye” was introduced.

As I told you to take some time, the next few days to be still and quiet, going within yourself to discover where your heart wants to go, I trembled inside. I tried to put on a brave face, saying things like I only want you to be happy, and if being with her will produce more happiness than me being in your life, well, that is what I want for you then. Thing is, you took me aback a bit, as you compassionately questioned my state of happiness, asking... what about me?

It was in that instant that I felt my heart drop a little further, falling for you even more, as I witnessed the most beautiful display of altruistic concern and compassion through the sincerity of your words.

I don’t know what to think or do at this point… wait, I suppose, as you meander over your feelings from the past and bring them to current date. Will you choose a love that has been tested and tried, go back to the arms you once felt so at home in… OR, will you take a chance, leave the past to the past, and begin brand new on a journey with one who truly adores you?

I think I did the right thing in letting go, surrendering to your feelings, as this truly has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. It’s your future, after all, and I only warned that you are content and willing to stick by your decision once you make it. My days of waiting around pathetically in line for that roller coaster ride are over. I value myself now, and realize that I have a lot to give to another; therefore, I cannot allow myself to venture down that path again.

And even as I express those feelings, deep inside, I know you would never have me wait around anyway. You are much too sensitive and caring to ever given way to such a desire. Maybe this is so incredibly painful because I have just experienced such similar disappointment – hell – heartbreak. Or, maybe, just maybe, it hurts because it DOES, because I care for you, because I felt you cared for me, and none of that seems to matter in the wake of this confusion.