Still the First and Last Person...

What a day... this is why I don't relish time off work... alone all day, with only my thoughts for company.

I did leave the house today, as I typically don't on my one day off. Had an appointment with new pain management place. Only I never made it there... seems I got in my silly little head that it was over by where I go to group... logical, as it's the only place I go to in Indiana, and I had stumbled upon this place. Nope, I completely forgot about when I went to see a lawyer, and that is indeed where I was suppose to go today. So, now, I had to make a new appointment, over a week away.

So, I'm seeing how I attracted this all to happen, every since I made the appointment, I've been fretting that something was gonna go wrong. See, I'm pretty dependant on my pain medicine in order to do my job. I don't really feel addicted, cuz I go days with littler or none, but my double days make up the difference. I indeed attracted this small tragedy, however, I just keep wondering if it isn't the Universe, doing her thing, trying to put me on track to a new, exciting, rewarding career.

It's my fear of rejection that is keeping me at bay mostly, although I would have thought that my past years with Jac would have numbed me to that fear. But, no, I'm still holding back because of this fear, and yet, I do feel I am ever nearing this goal... just in my time... I will heed to this call, I just want a lil more time to transition...

Truth is, I have grown pretty dependant of the constant influx of cash... I can be broke one day, but no worries, cuz I know I will work tomorrow, and have money again. It does get kinda difficult to save tho, but I'm managing that better now that I'm no longer gambling.

I guess I just feel so stuck in my life these days... seems I'm remembering how well I do on my own, out of partnership. If it weren't for my sexless lover/roomie, I'm not so sure where I would have turned these past few months... He's been a true Godsend, and the only thing constant in my life recently. I think he knows how much I love and value him, and just how thankful I am.

So, yeah, me single for too long not such a good thing for myself... When with the right person, at least the right person in that moment, I truly thrive, and this is recipitent. When I really think about it, I've pretty much been single for the last few years... there was no constant with Jac... maybe that is what I could never understand... and yet, understanding is not necessary in order to honor, truly respect her wishes. So, I do, best I know how, but it still lingers in my mind... I actually have whole conversations with her before realizing that this is a totally fictious thought, and I come crashing back to Earth...

And, yes, this has been one of those days, where I miss her so terribly I can almost smell her, taste her, love her.... I have thought of her rather heavily today, finding and playing over and over songs that I'd sing her. I know this is all part of the letting go process, there will be days when I can think of little else, but there is always tomorrow, and maybe I'll be missing her a little less when I awake... although this is when I miss her most, tied with, when I am falling asleep...

"the golden rule"

I just have one question... how is it that many people have absolutely no problem asking something of others that they are unwilling to deliver themselves?

To me, it's as simple as the "golden rule"... "do unto others as you would have done unto you"... okay, maybe not exactly the garb we'd use today, although, I'm sure you get the jist.

If this one rule could be applied to just most social interactions, much suffering would be spared. I mean, I know there are those who have widely different desires than most, still, in a general kinda way this could really work.

I guess what I'm getting to is, if I want honesty in my life, then I best be prepared to be honest with others. If I seek monogamy, again, willing, ready and able must I be as well. If I want spontanaeity or craziness, well, then I'd do well to accept any possible consequence... that's all I'm saying.

In this moment...

Melancholy... that is the word for this moment.

Beaten... though not totally down.

Tired... of this circular heartache.

Frightened... alone again in this great big bed.

Tomorrow... may be a little better.

Hope... has not vanished in it's entirety.

Love... could blossom again some day.

Tomorrow... I am awakening anew.

Obsession...

I'm beginning to think maybe I'm a little obsessive... I don't really think I fit the compulsive part. Unless you count the things I do against my better inner judgement as compulsive behaviour.

But I definately obsess... I am way into my head. Being air in both my sun and moon sign, I guess I just can't really escape it. I've been doing some reading of this lady who learns to meditate, in India, of course. Anyway, I think that meditation would be of great service to my existance... THINK being the opperative word here. I've had friends and lovers to slightly nudge me in this dirrection... maybe they knew me better than I myself.

I have been trying a simple chant I learned in the book, Ham Sa "I am That", it's pleasant and it's easy. The only thing I'm sure I'm doing wrong is laying in bed trying to sleep while I try this practice... lol. It's more of a "shut the hell up brain, I'm trying to sleep" mechanism for me right now... I've always done this, since a little girl, I can remember just repeating the word "sleep" until I did indeed meet that goal. Jac said that was a form of meditation... So I guess now, I'm realizing that I need a break from that yackidy yac thru out the day, not just as I'm trying to quiet down for sleep.

Yes, that's what I need more of in my life... quiet time, allowing my thoughts to pass over me. Jac always quoted someone, not Dr. Phil, but some inspirational speaker guy, to notice your thoughts like clouds, see them, let them keep floating by. And I guess that is kinda how thoughts are, floating from one subject to the next... unless, of course, you are obsessing over a particular thing or two at the moment.

Luckily I've had my thoughts being mixed up intermediately... failing love life... bottomless career... fear of new exciting career... lingering legal issues... and back to the no romance syndrome. It's just not right to have a Libran single for too long, her forever goal is reaching unconditional, requitted, passionate, soul merging love.... and yes, I am a hopeless romantic... tear.

Time for Me...

So, this is my first time blogging... bare with me, I say to myself, for besides my roommate, Chris, I doubt I'm talking to anyone other than myself.

I'm feeling down, wore the fuck down... I haven't had much luck these days, and instead of trying to save myself from plummeting further into the black hole, I've accelerated this free, yet completely outta control fall.

Seems drinking doesn't really reduce the pain... in fact, it feeds it, this canabalistic cancer of my soul. For under the influence, I might do even more damage to my non-existant romantic life. Like, ummm, sleep with someone on the first date, yeah, that was a good idea... NOT. Or write, text or call people who have not really expressed an interest in hearing from me... Cest' la Vive! I did not come here to become my own punching bag...

And yet, why am I here at all... on this blogsite... not the eternal question of existance.

Seems I got some baggage to drop, some thoughts that need form, perhaps loosening it's grip upon my very soul.

I'm upset because my love life is miserable... seems I'm finally coming to terms with the faltering, failing status of my relationship with Jac. She hasn't written in nearly a month, and I know the last of our words were indeed the last of our words, leaving a sting that hasn't quite eased into the back ground yet.

Then to top it off, I met a terrific chic, at least what little I know of her, and allowed my drunken ass to sleep with her on the first date... HMMMM.... I know in heterosexual relationships, this is usually the beginning of the end... who knows, she claims to "want to be friends".

And what is that exactly, anyway? A nice, thanks for the roll in the hay, but I think I'll take my business elsewhere? I guess I thought with women it would be different. I had never had an unknowing one night stand before (with a woman).

It's awkward, I realize, to go from just meeting to sex. But to me, a real interest in friendship would imply some sorta communication, like calling, for instance. I know I need to be patient, yet, patience is not exactly my forte'. I know that is part of my inner calling, to connect with the essense of patience.

I was told that the "chemistry" wasn't there for her, though I'm stumped, wouldn't that have prevented us from sleeping together all together? I mean, if all core feelings were absent, why even continue w/the date, at least end it before we were both in our birthday suits. Or maybe the sex was less than stellar... that'd be my first complaint... still, a possibility I must admit.

I think the bottom line is neither of us is really emotionally available... single, yes... free of our exes... no, not so much.

I'm not ready to jump into a deep relationship, I know this, and yet, if things were to naturally flow in that dirrection, well, who am I to stop it? I mean, I am not so rigid to think if things go other than I planned them out in my silly little head, then it must be a bust... c'mon.

Sure there would be fear... fear of rejection... fear of getting hurt... Although, without this little feeling in the pit of our stomache, well, we'd probably not ever know when we were ever on to something... For me, this fear indicates an interest for further investigation... If you never try something new, well, you'll never have anything new... seems logical to me...

Maybe it is too soon for me to be putting myself out there... I mean, still so fragile, heartbroken from my last love. Although I'm certainly not going to allow one date to set me back, for I am a believer in "if it's meant to be"... although that always sounds so hollow when friends dole out that worn out adage.

So, for now, I have me, and for once, I am completely OK with that... seems I'm over due for some quality one on one with myself... time to pamper me, give myself all that I am always so overly eager to give my lover... be my own lover... lol...