Time for Me...

So, this is my first time blogging... bare with me, I say to myself, for besides my roommate, Chris, I doubt I'm talking to anyone other than myself.

I'm feeling down, wore the fuck down... I haven't had much luck these days, and instead of trying to save myself from plummeting further into the black hole, I've accelerated this free, yet completely outta control fall.

Seems drinking doesn't really reduce the pain... in fact, it feeds it, this canabalistic cancer of my soul. For under the influence, I might do even more damage to my non-existant romantic life. Like, ummm, sleep with someone on the first date, yeah, that was a good idea... NOT. Or write, text or call people who have not really expressed an interest in hearing from me... Cest' la Vive! I did not come here to become my own punching bag...

And yet, why am I here at all... on this blogsite... not the eternal question of existance.

Seems I got some baggage to drop, some thoughts that need form, perhaps loosening it's grip upon my very soul.

I'm upset because my love life is miserable... seems I'm finally coming to terms with the faltering, failing status of my relationship with Jac. She hasn't written in nearly a month, and I know the last of our words were indeed the last of our words, leaving a sting that hasn't quite eased into the back ground yet.

Then to top it off, I met a terrific chic, at least what little I know of her, and allowed my drunken ass to sleep with her on the first date... HMMMM.... I know in heterosexual relationships, this is usually the beginning of the end... who knows, she claims to "want to be friends".

And what is that exactly, anyway? A nice, thanks for the roll in the hay, but I think I'll take my business elsewhere? I guess I thought with women it would be different. I had never had an unknowing one night stand before (with a woman).

It's awkward, I realize, to go from just meeting to sex. But to me, a real interest in friendship would imply some sorta communication, like calling, for instance. I know I need to be patient, yet, patience is not exactly my forte'. I know that is part of my inner calling, to connect with the essense of patience.

I was told that the "chemistry" wasn't there for her, though I'm stumped, wouldn't that have prevented us from sleeping together all together? I mean, if all core feelings were absent, why even continue w/the date, at least end it before we were both in our birthday suits. Or maybe the sex was less than stellar... that'd be my first complaint... still, a possibility I must admit.

I think the bottom line is neither of us is really emotionally available... single, yes... free of our exes... no, not so much.

I'm not ready to jump into a deep relationship, I know this, and yet, if things were to naturally flow in that dirrection, well, who am I to stop it? I mean, I am not so rigid to think if things go other than I planned them out in my silly little head, then it must be a bust... c'mon.

Sure there would be fear... fear of rejection... fear of getting hurt... Although, without this little feeling in the pit of our stomache, well, we'd probably not ever know when we were ever on to something... For me, this fear indicates an interest for further investigation... If you never try something new, well, you'll never have anything new... seems logical to me...

Maybe it is too soon for me to be putting myself out there... I mean, still so fragile, heartbroken from my last love. Although I'm certainly not going to allow one date to set me back, for I am a believer in "if it's meant to be"... although that always sounds so hollow when friends dole out that worn out adage.

So, for now, I have me, and for once, I am completely OK with that... seems I'm over due for some quality one on one with myself... time to pamper me, give myself all that I am always so overly eager to give my lover... be my own lover... lol...