Still the First and Last Person...

What a day... this is why I don't relish time off work... alone all day, with only my thoughts for company.

I did leave the house today, as I typically don't on my one day off. Had an appointment with new pain management place. Only I never made it there... seems I got in my silly little head that it was over by where I go to group... logical, as it's the only place I go to in Indiana, and I had stumbled upon this place. Nope, I completely forgot about when I went to see a lawyer, and that is indeed where I was suppose to go today. So, now, I had to make a new appointment, over a week away.

So, I'm seeing how I attracted this all to happen, every since I made the appointment, I've been fretting that something was gonna go wrong. See, I'm pretty dependant on my pain medicine in order to do my job. I don't really feel addicted, cuz I go days with littler or none, but my double days make up the difference. I indeed attracted this small tragedy, however, I just keep wondering if it isn't the Universe, doing her thing, trying to put me on track to a new, exciting, rewarding career.

It's my fear of rejection that is keeping me at bay mostly, although I would have thought that my past years with Jac would have numbed me to that fear. But, no, I'm still holding back because of this fear, and yet, I do feel I am ever nearing this goal... just in my time... I will heed to this call, I just want a lil more time to transition...

Truth is, I have grown pretty dependant of the constant influx of cash... I can be broke one day, but no worries, cuz I know I will work tomorrow, and have money again. It does get kinda difficult to save tho, but I'm managing that better now that I'm no longer gambling.

I guess I just feel so stuck in my life these days... seems I'm remembering how well I do on my own, out of partnership. If it weren't for my sexless lover/roomie, I'm not so sure where I would have turned these past few months... He's been a true Godsend, and the only thing constant in my life recently. I think he knows how much I love and value him, and just how thankful I am.

So, yeah, me single for too long not such a good thing for myself... When with the right person, at least the right person in that moment, I truly thrive, and this is recipitent. When I really think about it, I've pretty much been single for the last few years... there was no constant with Jac... maybe that is what I could never understand... and yet, understanding is not necessary in order to honor, truly respect her wishes. So, I do, best I know how, but it still lingers in my mind... I actually have whole conversations with her before realizing that this is a totally fictious thought, and I come crashing back to Earth...

And, yes, this has been one of those days, where I miss her so terribly I can almost smell her, taste her, love her.... I have thought of her rather heavily today, finding and playing over and over songs that I'd sing her. I know this is all part of the letting go process, there will be days when I can think of little else, but there is always tomorrow, and maybe I'll be missing her a little less when I awake... although this is when I miss her most, tied with, when I am falling asleep...