Monkey Shaken for Good

I'm not sure what happens exactly... seems like things are going along swimmingly, then suddenly, without a thoughtout process, I diverge. Creating some self-sabatoging scenerio or another.

Is it boredom, I wonder, or perhaps lack of self-esteem that has me to stray from the path I'm headed. Maybe there is just always gonna be a fork in the road, temptation stepping in for her appearance.

I claim that my will power is less than stellar at times, although, really, it only waivers when I am still undecided. Once I truly decide to do, or more likely, not do, one thing or the other, well, I honor myself.

Being indecisive is in my nature, being very Libran in that way. Yet, I'm seeing how this gets me into some unnecessary jams. I cautioned my past lover who has implored me to simply "let go, move on" that she may not really like the result of that manifestaion, in the long run, that is. For I know, once I do move on, well, there's no looking back.

I have moved on, and have found a kind, loving, gentle spirit to enjoy my days with, and she has my soul to smile once more. Yet, now, we are at a cross roads, and she wonders will she be able to continue, in light of my latest disappointment to her.

I try to explain, I just hadn't gotten to a place of decision until now. Now, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, I will not go down that path again... I had to go there, one last time, to know, REALLY KNOW, that my life is complete and full without the influence of such harmful substance.

I made this decision without her influence, on my own accord, and maybe it seems foolish to have ever tested the waters again, after such a long absence, still, I did. I have no regrets... regret is a useless emotion in my opinion. The real question is if I learned anything... and I did, I learned that a monkey on my back can climb back up, even if shaken for numerous years, if I allow it. Will I allow it again??? Not a chance, now that my mind is made up, the possibility is forever denied.

I know it's asking a lot for her to trust me in this... we are still so new in our relating. Someone new in my life may see my latest failure as a mark of more to come, yet, an old friend would recognize and applaud how far I've come....