Releasing feelings...

I feel conflicted, confused and just exhausted... I'm trying to stay optimistic and patient, but today, things feel kinda blah....

I just spent the past two nights w/my lover, but, instead of feeling all giddy, I'm feeling sad. Mainly because I don't know when I will see her again. Long distance relationships can be so taxing. I mean, we spend every evening together on the phone, and that is nice, really nice, but it's not the same as having her to curl up next to as we drift off to sleep. I like waking up and sharing dreams, and kisses, I like affection.

And she is affectionate, very, which I love, only I crave the physical aspect of a relationship more than once every two weeks or so, and with her schedule and family, this is unlikely to change in the next year or so.

I AM grateful for her presence in my life, and maybe me whining about this seems petty or selfish. It's just that I miss her already, and doubt I will see her until after I return from Virginia.

She is soooo sweet, though, and extremely thoughtful. She did give me a huge Teddy to snuggle with in her absence. I am thankful for her, and am beginning to develop some real feelings, maybe I am just scared because of that, afraid of getting hurt again by yet another female.

All this coupled with my thoughts meandering over previous loves... I admit I have thought of Jac rather heavily here of late. She even snuck into my dreams to give me a quick peck last night, as I lay next to another... I awoke feeling confused, a lil' sad, and, yes, missing her just a tad. I know it "was just a dream", still, there is some connection that her and I share in that realm, so it felt just as real as the kiss I exchanged upon waking.

So, I guess for now, I ride things out, see what develops, free my mind of concerns, and try to stay connected to the here and now. I know too well that worrying or stressing over "what's wrong" only attracts more of the same, therefore, I'm going to just remind myself of all that is good in my life right now. There is a lot good, so that won't be too hard to do.