Equality For All!

Even if you are not gay or bi-sexual, you may still believe in equal rights for same sex couples. Let your voice be heard, make your vote count, and go to the below link to sign a petition which is fighting for same sex marriage rights. I did it, it's easy, only takes a few seconds, but could make a World of difference!

http://www.MillionForMarriage.org

April Post...

It just occured to me that April is coming to a close, and I have yet to post in nearly a month. So, here's April's post, as some how, I don't invision visiting this space until May.

The last month or so has been a bit of a blurr.... I'm not quite sure when or how or why. I've floated through days seemingly without a hitch, at least not one I have allowed to weigh heavy. I've laughed, way more than I've cried, and I've trailed fun more than burdens have followed me. So, maybe that is why the last month has sped on by .... because...

I am happy, really and truly happy!

Just the Latest

I can hardly believe that March is wrapping up already... mostly because February was spent in a blurr of frantic traveling. I know I haven't written for quite a spell, just been so dang busy, it's been hard to catch my breath, much less sit still for ten minutes.

So I figured I'd update those of you who stay in touch with me mostly through this blogsite. I got home from Virginia for only a few short days before I spent a much needed and very romantic four days in the Smokies with my wonderful gal. I hadn't realized how much I cared for her until I thought I was losing her to another. She contended that she wanted to go on with me, see what a future might offer, instead of traveling backwards into the past with her ex-love. Certainly a sentiment I respect, as I know that is the only way to go for me, as well. Why I had resisted "letting go" for so long, because once I do, well, I just don't believe in backtracking.

My dad is doing much better... He's home, and actually following the doctor's orders to a tee. In the past he has been so stubborn regarding his health, guess a brush with death will convince even the most obstinate.

I'm working on delving into the "writing world": fixing my resume, cover letter, and then sending them out. I'm realizing how much time I've spent "thinking" about all of this, all the while, "doing" nothing. It's time for me to start DOING... of course the little, gentle nudges from my terrific gal are paramount to my following through. I actually even have a 5 year personal plan now, thanks to her not giving up on me. Just a little shout out to her, giving her props that she has earned and deserves... I wish I could do more for you, but this is a step, right?

I Love My Dad

Today I venture home after spending the last several days in Virginia. I am frustrated with leaving before I can truly talk with my father, as he is still hooked up to a machine that is doing most of his breathing for him. It breaks my heart to see him lying there, tubes everywhere, leaving him inconceivably uncomfortable and unable to communicate easily. He does do quite a good job with his eyes though, pleading with us to get these tubes removed from his throat. I understand, as I was right there in the same ICU unit, having a ventilator breathe for me, just four short years ago. How I wish I could do something to ease his discomfort.

It was reassuring to see his eyes light up with joy and surprise when he first saw me. I saw how much he truly adores me, flaws and all, and that our last disagreement had been long forgotten and forgiven. The entire nine-hour drive from Louisville to here, I kept replaying our last big fight, the one that had taken place only a few short weeks before, when I had visited last. I had said some pretty harsh things, things I swore I would never say, disrespecting him the way I did through untruthful words of disdain.

I had promised myself long ago not to engage in these sort of brawls with him, knowing full well that he is set in his ways, and though I may talk until I am blue in the face, my words will never persuade him to think otherwise. Especially in regards to my lesbian life-style – this is a futile disagreement – agreeing to disagree will be the most amicable resolution we can ever endorse. Knowing that his health is not what it used to be, I decided long ago that it was not worth the risk of our last words to be of any other fashion than unconditional love and respect. Feeling certain that he will come through his latest health pitfall, I will make certain to withhold this agreement with myself, and fight no more, at least, not about things that neither of us will willingly concede to the other.

In the Wake of Confusion

I do not know what to say... me... without words, yet I yearn to adequately express this torrent of emotion. Maybe it is too soon to valiantly attempt, as I feel I have just been blindsided, pelted unexpectedly, by the words of my lover, whose claim of confusion now has her frozen in indecision.

Write, I must, to give some release to the pressure building up inside of me, tears have been my only relief thus far, and this pang has not lessened thru the birth of waterfalls. So write, I shall, all the words I would say to you, if only I felt at liberty.

Maybe I didn’t put up an adequate fight, maybe you see my letting go, peacefully, though through tears, as a sign that I do not care for you.... I do care, perhaps even more than I was consciously aware before this looming possibility of “good-bye” was introduced.

As I told you to take some time, the next few days to be still and quiet, going within yourself to discover where your heart wants to go, I trembled inside. I tried to put on a brave face, saying things like I only want you to be happy, and if being with her will produce more happiness than me being in your life, well, that is what I want for you then. Thing is, you took me aback a bit, as you compassionately questioned my state of happiness, asking... what about me?

It was in that instant that I felt my heart drop a little further, falling for you even more, as I witnessed the most beautiful display of altruistic concern and compassion through the sincerity of your words.

I don’t know what to think or do at this point… wait, I suppose, as you meander over your feelings from the past and bring them to current date. Will you choose a love that has been tested and tried, go back to the arms you once felt so at home in… OR, will you take a chance, leave the past to the past, and begin brand new on a journey with one who truly adores you?

I think I did the right thing in letting go, surrendering to your feelings, as this truly has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. It’s your future, after all, and I only warned that you are content and willing to stick by your decision once you make it. My days of waiting around pathetically in line for that roller coaster ride are over. I value myself now, and realize that I have a lot to give to another; therefore, I cannot allow myself to venture down that path again.

And even as I express those feelings, deep inside, I know you would never have me wait around anyway. You are much too sensitive and caring to ever given way to such a desire. Maybe this is so incredibly painful because I have just experienced such similar disappointment – hell – heartbreak. Or, maybe, just maybe, it hurts because it DOES, because I care for you, because I felt you cared for me, and none of that seems to matter in the wake of this confusion.

Soul Mates

I have decided to re-post a blog which my roommate, Chris, wrote and posted on his site. I am doing this for many reasons, partly because I admire his style here, and want to pass on this beauty to others. It ressembles how I have written many an English paper back in the day. I like the way he incorporates quotes from the book (the indented sections) with his own words. It flows quite nicely.

However, I am mostly reposting because this writing speaks to me, if I were not completely certain that this is his tale he is telling, I would swear he is speaking my truth. I'm not sure if I ever fully understood the depth of a "soul mate's" purpose before reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert... I think I understand now.


People think a soul mate is your perfect fit,
and that's what everyone wants.
But a true soul mate is a mirror,
the person who shows you
everything that's holding you back,
the person who brings you
to your own attention so
you can change your life.

I have just re-read Elizabeth Gilbert's last book - Eat, Pray, Love: One woman's search for everything.

A true soulmate is probably
the most important person you'll ever meet,
because they tear down your walls
and smack you awake.
But to live with a soulmate forever?
Nah. Too painful.

I'm not too sure why I picked up this book in the first place, but it was not a random buy. There was something about the write-ups and reviews that told me, if there was one book that I was to read and learn something from, it would be this book. And it was right.

Soulmates,
they come into your life
just to reveal another layer of yourself
to you,
and then they leave.

Cos I have been stuck in a rut for the longest time and exhausting all possible means to get out of it. I seriously think I was at the point of resigning myself to the one useless fact that I was not going to be able to get over it, and hence, there was no point in fighting it. Which would have just been so wrong as it would see me as you have been - on one massive roller-coaster ride.

Your problem is -
you just can't let this one go.
It's over.

I have even been thinking to myself that hey - maybe there's some basis to all this. I mean, a rut is like 2 weeks, a month. But when it stretches as long as the calendar change? And I have been fighting down all the flaws that I now recognise, wanting to keep an all perfect image of the imaginary.

His purpose was to shake you up,
tear apart your ego a little bit,
show you your obstacles and your addiction,
break your heart open so new light could get in,
make you so desperate and out of control that
you HAD to transform your life,
then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it.
That was his job, and he did great,
but now it's over.

Somebody asked me the other day - was I content? And I found myself replying by asking back, What was contentment? If it meant, do I have all the things that I wanted and is okay with not having the things I don't - then the answer would be NO. I came home and thought about it, have been thinking about it. And you know what? I am content, save for one. It's tiring, to be like a cat, chasing after their own tail. And I am dog-tired. So bone-weary that somedays, it weighs me down like a ton of bricks.

You're afraid to let go of
the last bits of him because then
you'll really be alone,
and you are scared to death
of what will happen when
you're really alone.

Reading this book again, if not for anything else, has opened my eyes and my mind to this - that I do not have to be dog-tired. That it is of my own choosing. That my present is in my own hands for me to change so that the tomorrow can be another care-free day.

But here's what you've gotta understand -
if you clear out all that space in your mind
that you're using right now to obsess about this guy,
you'll have a vacuum there,
an open spot - a doorway.

In truth, maybe a part of me thinks that for me to be happy, I needed that one spark that re-ignited the flame of happiness to always be there. Like your trusty lighter that you must keep on you at all times. But that's not it is it?

And guess what the universe will do with that doorway?
It will rush in and fill you with
more love than you ever dreamed.

True that maybe this one person knows me on a level that most other people don't. But it would also be the truth that maybe this one person knows me as such, only because I allowed him and no one else to see those sides of me.

So stop using him to block that door.
Let. It. Go.

Yeah - it's time. He could have been one of my best friends and shown me the different sides of the same story. But that's over now and it's time to move on.


Thank you, Chris, for sharing with us, for baring your very soul.


The lesson of "letting go" has perhaps been one of the hardest for me up to date. I suppose I lived most of my life, holding on, grasping tightly, as not to lose whatever or whoever it was that I valued in that moment. I never really realized that I was squeezing the life right out of that precious commodity, that beautiful person, until recently.

I finally let go, though, kicking and screaming all the way, but finally, it sunk in, and I saw the error of my clinging, grasping, holding on, ways. I had been told before, "If you will just let go, you would have a free hand to catch the next great thing that's trying to come your way". I finally got it, and you know what, she was right!

It was only three days after I really let go of my past relationship, that I met the current lady who now fills my heart with glee. I know that Jac was a "soul mate", she certainly shook things up a bit, mostly my rigid way of thinking. It was devastatingly difficult to let go, but when I did, I felt so free, and wondered why I had ever fought it from the beginning.

I felt so relieved and liberated to know, to really know, the purpose of a soul mate is not to be by your side from here into eternity. Rather, the purpose of a soul mate is to teach you, to share some difficult lessons, and then to move on, so that your next "teacher" can come along.

So, now I can be truly grateful for all the lessons, painful and otherwise, which all of my "soul mates" have imparted upon me up to date. Thanks ladies and gentlemen, your souls truly shine on in my memory, as we voyage on, teaching and being taught by another beautiful soul.

Sad, in a Warm kind of Way

I'm feeling a little relieved to know that all these feelings of nostalgia are most likely spawned by Mercury being retrograde. It seems that this retrograde began on January 28th and won't end until the 18th of February. As I checked the dates of my latest blogs, it seems that the feelings that have been resurfacing, mostly for Jac, are quite possibly the result of this retrograde period, as feelings of nostalgia, or of "what might of been..." are to be expected during this time.

Of course, knowing this is somewhat helpful, however, it really isn't changing anything. I'm still missing her, wondering if she is doing ok, hoping that she is thriving and smiling, as she enjoys her journey. I think Rascal Flatts expresses this sentiment best in his song, "My Wish"....


"I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

More then anything, more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
To your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more then you take.

Oh More then anything, Yeah, and more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
To your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish."


That is truly my wish... It doesn't matter so much that we can't journey together right now, so long as we both continue journeying, maybe stumbling from time to time, so long as we know how to pick ourselves back up, and trudge on.... And that is what I am doing, trudging on, sometimes covering all kinds of new ground, others, revisiting scenes that are all too familiar... especially in the recesses of my mind.

I know it is counter productive to play the "what if" game, still, I just can't seem to shake this feeling. Perhaps I should just accept it, stop resisting, and just feel what I am feeling... in this moment, I am feeling sad yet warm, as I recall all the feelings of love that we once shared.

A Love So Genuine

I've found myself wondering today, wondering if things would be different given the chance. I sometimes think the odds were stacked against us... things were always so hectic and challenging for you and I.

First there were living arrangement issues -- I can't really blame you for keeping your distance while I still lived with my ex-lover. Then when I did have my own place, money was always so tight. That coupled with the both of us attending school full time. It was difficult to be in a loving relationship without losing focus, in school, in our own hopes and dreams.

Of course, my freaking and fleeing the state when you broke things off to explore some deep seeded desires, well, that only complicated things worse. For then there were miles and mountains between us. Yet there was a love there that always surmounted whatever challenge arose. A love so rare, that I mistakenly thought that I had to fight with all my might not to lose it... lose you.

And this too was an issue, my unwillingness to let go....

So, now I have indeed let go, still, today I am thinking back to all that we have miraculously overcome in the past.... Surely it was not by sheer force of wills that we succeeded.

It was love... a love so genuine, so deep, so forgiving that it knew not how to just wilt and die. It knew not how to give up to the challenges of miles, broken promises, extreme mood swings or finances... It just kept resurfacing, stronger and stronger after each trial and tribulation.

So, what happened to that love now? Has it forever faded into the background while we make our journey onward with another? Or has it only subsided, to be resurrected at some later date? Would we ever dare to love again, even in light of all that has happened, after so much pain has come and gone?

I just keep wondering… if only things had been a little different… maybe if we had had more money, adequate time, some sort of a routine to settle into… maybe we could have focused more on the love and less on the obstacles, and maybe, just maybe, we would be in one another’s arms right now.

Pluto in Capricorn

Just thought I'd pass this info on that I received from W.C. Horoscopes. I'm pretty stoked about it as it says I will be entering into a phase of transformation, likely to involve meditation. I am already beginning that journey as I read any and every thing I can on meditation these days. Right now I'm reading, "Awaken to Superconsciousness" by J. Donald Walters. It's very enlightening, but not an easy read at all, so I'm finding I can only digest a few pages at a time. Also, I'm planning to join the YMCA with one of my Empowerment Circle Sisters upon my return from Virginia. We plan to enroll in a Yoga class there. I hope you find the following as interesting and promising as I....


What if you could know in advance about profound changes headed your way that will transform your life? Would you take some steps to prepare for them? Well, Pluto is about to present a preview. Starting on January 25, 2008, after 12 years in Sagittarius, the planet of power and transformation will take a short five-month jaunt through Capricorn, until it turns retrograde and moves back into Sag on June 15, 2008. (Happy Birthday to You!)

The next 25 years...
This five-month window into the future can give you a glimpse of how your life is likely to be transformed and empowered over the next 15 years, because that's how long Pluto will stay in Capricorn after it transits back into that sign in November. So how do you prepare for this cosmic shift? First, we'll take a look at how Pluto works. Then we'll get more specific about how Pluto in Capricorn will influence each sign.

Self-knowledge is the key
If you're aware of where you need to be in life, and what changes you need to make to get there, Pluto can heighten that awareness by purging your life of attitudes, material possessions and people holding you back from fulfilling your destiny. Pluto is seldom gentle, so get ready to face up to reality and let go of what you don't need. On the other hand, if you're in the dark about your direction because you don't examine your inner life, Pluto will cast off your blinders by making you face the real you.

Charts matter
Just how it will do that depends on where Capricorn resides in your chart, and if Pluto is aspecting (influencing) your Sun, Moon or planets. For instance, if Pluto enters your Capricorn-ruled 7th house of marriage, your union will undergo a transformation that will either deepen your connection to your mate or, if you need to part ways, dissolve the marriage altogether. If you're single, Pluto will transform your attitudes about marriage so you can attract your true partner. The same can happen if Pluto aspects your Venus. It's all about eliminating the junk so you can be more authentic and live your true path.

Earth signs: Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn
Earth signs will have their personal power and spiritual life transformed and empowered by Pluto in Capricorn. For Taurus, Pluto will transform your ability to see the bigger picture of your life, so you can live your true destiny. It will also empower your faith and your ability to manifest your aspirations. For Virgo, Pluto will empower your creativity by helping you focus on projects close to your heart. Speaking of heart, Pluto will also eliminate negative attitudes (and people) pertaining to your love life so you can manifest a deeper love connection. And if you have children, your connection to your kids will be transformed as well. For Capricorn, Pluto will have a profound affect on how you see yourself and your role in the world. The urge to transform your appearance - and how you appear to others - will be intense. Most important, your personal power will be strengthened so you can live your destiny more fully.


Water signs: Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces
Water signs will have their relationships and communications transformed and empowered by Pluto in Capricorn. For Cancer, Pluto will transform your attitudes about marriage, and how you use your personal power in relationships. If you're in a union, Pluto will transform how you relate to each other and deepen your tie - or help you cut the connection if you're wrong for each other. Watch out for power struggles along the way. For Scorpio, Pluto will heighten your influence through words by transforming how you communicate. Your words will have power, so be careful how you use them. Pluto will also transform your relationships to your siblings and perhaps your neighbors as well. For Pisces, Pluto will transform your friendships, eliminating negative people and bringing in influential friends who can assist you. Participating in group activities will challenge - and eventually heighten - your personal power. Pluto will also transform your ideals.


Air signs: Gemini, Libra, Aquarius
Air signs will have their inner life transformed and empowered during Pluto in Capricorn, a great time for meditation and therapy. For Gemini, Pluto will transform your sex life by helping you tear down emotional walls you've erected to keep you safe. Being vulnerable enough to embrace true intimacy will be the challenge. For Aquarius, Pluto will also transform your finances by urging you to eliminate debt and it will help you come up with new ways to create income. For Libra, Pluto will transform your relationships with family members and help you eliminate negative family patterns learned in childhood. You may also get the urge to remodel or redecorate your home.


Fire signs: Aries, Leo, Sagittarius
Fire signs will have their career and finances transformed and empowered by Pluto in Capricorn. For Aries, Pluto will transform your career goals and heighten your influence at work. The challenge will be finding a balance between taking control of your projects and cooperating with others. For Leo, Pluto will transform your daily work routine, empowering your work by making you more creative and efficient. Pluto can also transform your health by helping you devise a diet and exercise makeover. For Sagittarius, Pluto will transform your relationship with money by eliminating negative attitudes about prosperity. Embracing an attitude of deserving abundance will empower your earning ability.

Releasing feelings...

I feel conflicted, confused and just exhausted... I'm trying to stay optimistic and patient, but today, things feel kinda blah....

I just spent the past two nights w/my lover, but, instead of feeling all giddy, I'm feeling sad. Mainly because I don't know when I will see her again. Long distance relationships can be so taxing. I mean, we spend every evening together on the phone, and that is nice, really nice, but it's not the same as having her to curl up next to as we drift off to sleep. I like waking up and sharing dreams, and kisses, I like affection.

And she is affectionate, very, which I love, only I crave the physical aspect of a relationship more than once every two weeks or so, and with her schedule and family, this is unlikely to change in the next year or so.

I AM grateful for her presence in my life, and maybe me whining about this seems petty or selfish. It's just that I miss her already, and doubt I will see her until after I return from Virginia.

She is soooo sweet, though, and extremely thoughtful. She did give me a huge Teddy to snuggle with in her absence. I am thankful for her, and am beginning to develop some real feelings, maybe I am just scared because of that, afraid of getting hurt again by yet another female.

All this coupled with my thoughts meandering over previous loves... I admit I have thought of Jac rather heavily here of late. She even snuck into my dreams to give me a quick peck last night, as I lay next to another... I awoke feeling confused, a lil' sad, and, yes, missing her just a tad. I know it "was just a dream", still, there is some connection that her and I share in that realm, so it felt just as real as the kiss I exchanged upon waking.

So, I guess for now, I ride things out, see what develops, free my mind of concerns, and try to stay connected to the here and now. I know too well that worrying or stressing over "what's wrong" only attracts more of the same, therefore, I'm going to just remind myself of all that is good in my life right now. There is a lot good, so that won't be too hard to do.

A New Path

For once in my life, I feel good... about my relationships, my job, my friendships. There is nothing I want for at the moment, and that, in and of itself, is completely liberating. I'm on a path, knowing the dirrection I am headed and even suspect who may accompany me on my journey.... What else is a gal to want for???

I've given up trying to predict the future, living for tomorrow, today is here, so much more satisfying, not to mention, realistic.

I'm happy, in a nutshell, and that speaks volumes for everything else.

I'm making good money, I enjoy the company of co-workers and friends. I'm well liked and even respected by my peers. I have a beautiful young lady to conversate day and night... I'm left wanting for nothing....

Except maybe for my past to begin to fade into the background, so that I may become honored and respected for who I am today, rather than scowled upon and JUDGED for my mistakes of yesterday.

I have learned so much from those very mistakes, and would not change them even if I could, for in essense, that would be changing my path, who I have become. I see the value in the "wrong" turns I have taken, the "bumps" in the road along the way, and I feel blessed to recognize this, as I am now making different choices.... James Balwin once eloquently penned -- "To know where you are going, you must first know from whence you came" (loosly quoted).

I do know where I've come from, and not a path I will venture down again. My options are endless, although I am now choosing my steps and company carefully. I may not know where I will end up tomorrow, however, I can make different choices in order to ensure that I will not retread broken down trails....

"The Compassionate Samurai"

So, I had the following in my inbox as a newsletter from "Hay House".... More often than not, I glance at the contents of these emails, then move on, leaving it unread. For some reason today, I became enthralled by just this glance, then compelled to read and now post the following excert. I guess someone "out there" needs to hear it as much as I do. I'm guessing this will be my next purchased read... maybe yours too???


Excerpt from The Compassionate Sumurai: Being Extraordinary in an Ordinary World by Brian Klemmer


Here’s a novel thought: All people have freedom. What about those who live under a dictator? They, too, have freedom. Why? Because it’s the ability to choose, and all human beings have that, as Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl has so eloquently described, even in unimaginable circumstances. However, the consequences of their choices are far different than average circumstances. And even though all people have freedom, very few enjoy liberty.

Liberty is the ability to do what you want to do when you want to do it, to go where you want to go when you want to go there. Most important, it’s the ability to be what you want to be when you want to be it.

Compassionate samurai search for choices, solutions, and meaning in life, rather than waiting for them to appear. They try to increase the liberty that they and others enjoy. They don’t shrink from tough choices simply because they don’t like the perceived outcomes.

I believe that of all the gifts God grants us, the most powerful is choice. It’s also a very useful tool if used skillfully. It has a power that gives us the potential winner’s edge all of the time. It’s the ability to create liberty. That might sound like an unrealistic philosophy, but it isn’t. What you pick now determines what you enjoy tomorrow. What you decide not to choose also determines what you’ll never have in this lifetime.

So at the end of the day—or even at the end of your life—you can be an average person and blame others for what did or didn’t happen for you. Or you can be a compassionate samurai and enjoy yourself even amid dire circumstances and create a life of liberty for yourself and others.

If liberty is so great, why aren’t there more compassionate samurai experiencing it? The answer is because there’s a cost for everything. There’s no free lunch. Every benefit has a corresponding cost or something you must give up. There’s a price to acknowledging that you have choices (as there are different consequences for pretending that you don’t). There are costs for making the compassionate samurai choice, as well as for taking the easier way out. At West Point, we were taught always to choose the harder right rather than the easier wrong. They were teaching us to be compassionate samurai. Some might argue about the compassionate part, but we’ll save that for another discussion.

If we wimp out and don’t make the right choices, we lose our liberty.

Frankl once recommended the Statue of Liberty on the East Coast be complemented by a “Statue of Responsibility” on the West Coast. Perhaps he was saying that our liberty requires us to make good decisions. If we wimp out and don’t make the right choices, we lose our liberty. When we do this, we choose obvious short-term benefits with not-so-obvious long-term costs over obvious short-term costs that have not-so-obvious long-term benefits. The very nature of a compassionate samurai is to pick the latter.

I’m concerned with what I see in American society; in fact, that was the impetus for writing this book. Listen to average people complain about how their children won’t benefit from the Social Security program, yet they’re unwilling to change their lifestyle in any way. Look at how average people enjoy the benefits of their current status, but they shrink from considering the future environmental impact of their excesses on their grandchildren even to the point of being “confused” about whether global warming and other such issues are real.

Consider those who made huge amounts of money in the Enron, Tyco, and even Arthur Andersen scandals, with no concern for the thousands who lost their retirement savings as a result—let alone the damages the economy suffered or the cynicism about business that was generated. This isn’t really a new thing. Such behavior has occurred throughout history in nations and families who received abundance rather than earning it. A different, higher value is established when something is earned. When life is painful enough, moving forward becomes a more obvious and easier choice to make for the average individual.

Even Keel

I've been on a little bit of an even keel here of late... nothing too exciting nor disturbing... just livin'. I'm really okay with this, although, I admit, it's sometimes a bit of a drag. Mostly, going to work, hours on end, trying to make a quota, then sleeping little, and doing it all over again.

I got scared a few days ago however, after working almost 40 hours in three days, I felt as if my ankle was broken, literally, it felt like it did when I broke it. I put some arnica cream on it to reduce the swelling, still, when I tried to stand to go to the bathroom, I found I had to crawl, not even the assistance of my cane helped me w/that short jaunt.

I worry... am I just pushing to hard now, putting my body to the grindstone to make cash for today, and then tomorrow, I may pay with my vitality.

I try not to think about it, thus attract this fate, still, I'm exhausted.

I'm trying to make enough money to pay off all these legal debts that linger about... I go to Virginia in a few weeks, and besides the time off work, I have court costs and lawyer fees... I will be so happy and free to have this finally behind me.

Although, I will return, only to go to court here a few short weeks later.... I am so done w/that lifestyle, the one that lands me in a heap of a mess with little recollection of how I even got there.

Perhaps why I am thankful to have a new lovely lady in my life... sure, there are some issues, some bigger than others, still, I know that she is there for me in a way I haven't in some time. Things may seem boring, become even keel for a while, yet, there is constance, and I'm choosing that over sporadic crazyness right now.

With Love & Grattitude... Good-bye

I never loved so fervently, so carelessly, so freely, so completely, as I did you. I never knew whether I was coming or going when we were together... the time, it flew, but I knew, it was only for a time, and then days, weeks, even months would drag by with little or no word.

Maybe you were here only long enough to get me back on the right tract, at fining my own happiness and peace from within. Maybe you did teach me and nourish me in ways I could have learned from no other, including myself. I accept that you were here for a season and a reason, but a lifetime would have been too painful, for us both.

So, now, I am here, only to say good-bye, bid you farewell, and let you know that you were the answer to my prayers. I will always love you, that much I know, and my grattitude extends endlessly for you and our time....

Our time has ended, there's nothing left to say.

Monkey Shaken for Good

I'm not sure what happens exactly... seems like things are going along swimmingly, then suddenly, without a thoughtout process, I diverge. Creating some self-sabatoging scenerio or another.

Is it boredom, I wonder, or perhaps lack of self-esteem that has me to stray from the path I'm headed. Maybe there is just always gonna be a fork in the road, temptation stepping in for her appearance.

I claim that my will power is less than stellar at times, although, really, it only waivers when I am still undecided. Once I truly decide to do, or more likely, not do, one thing or the other, well, I honor myself.

Being indecisive is in my nature, being very Libran in that way. Yet, I'm seeing how this gets me into some unnecessary jams. I cautioned my past lover who has implored me to simply "let go, move on" that she may not really like the result of that manifestaion, in the long run, that is. For I know, once I do move on, well, there's no looking back.

I have moved on, and have found a kind, loving, gentle spirit to enjoy my days with, and she has my soul to smile once more. Yet, now, we are at a cross roads, and she wonders will she be able to continue, in light of my latest disappointment to her.

I try to explain, I just hadn't gotten to a place of decision until now. Now, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, I will not go down that path again... I had to go there, one last time, to know, REALLY KNOW, that my life is complete and full without the influence of such harmful substance.

I made this decision without her influence, on my own accord, and maybe it seems foolish to have ever tested the waters again, after such a long absence, still, I did. I have no regrets... regret is a useless emotion in my opinion. The real question is if I learned anything... and I did, I learned that a monkey on my back can climb back up, even if shaken for numerous years, if I allow it. Will I allow it again??? Not a chance, now that my mind is made up, the possibility is forever denied.

I know it's asking a lot for her to trust me in this... we are still so new in our relating. Someone new in my life may see my latest failure as a mark of more to come, yet, an old friend would recognize and applaud how far I've come....

No Reason to Doubt

When I look into your eyes, I see you, know that you are real.
And sometimes I lose my breath when I imagine all I could feel
Your soul shines thru those compassionate, beautiful green eyes
And when I see disappointment reflecting, something in me dies.

So I start a new day with the promise to rebuild your trust,
And do my best, for I know that my feelings run deeper than lust.
Cuz with the desire to have you, is to know you, inside and out
And never give you another reason to ever doubt...

I am real, I am true, I am the lady who wants to accompany you.

the new year...

My internet was out for a bit... this is what i wrote 12/31/07... things may have changed slightly, still, I'm posting it...

So, another year is gone... meaning, a new one is upon us. I'm hopeful for a rewarding, exciting new year. I feel strong and confident going into 2008. It's a "2" year for me, indicating strong partnership (according to numerology). This actually seems plausible now that Jac is completely out of my life. There was no "partnership" with her, though there has been a "ship" that sailed. Namely, I knew once i did let go, there would be no turning back, and, I HAVE FINALLY LET GO...

Mostly, I feel an unbelievable amount of freedom. I had allowed myself to be tethered down by the puppeteer, pulling all the strings. I actually feel physically ill in recalling all the hoops I jumped thru, all the time I bid, just in hopes to have some qualitity time with her. It had to be about the quality of time, for it certainly wasn't the quanity. I sometimes joke that we maybe had 6 months of "actual time together" out of the 2 1/2 year roller coaster ride... honestly, that was even a bit generous.

So now I am facing a new year... sor far, it looks pretty promisng. I am at the beginning stages of a new relationship with a gal that is very sweet, motivationatl and genuine. All three being very paramount in my life at the moment.

I suspect her influence and genuine pressense in my life will set me into motion to achieving my dreams. Already my creativity is peeked in conversation with her -- I find myself telling little stories purely for our amusement. Her christmas pressents to me were a leather bound journal and a frame for my degree. Along with the gifts was the slight nudge (in the right dirrection, I might add), that I only need to fill in the contents of the journal for my "first book" and "go pick up" my degree... yeah, sadly, I haven't done that in the past year and a half.

Knowing her for a month now, and already, she seems so genuinely concerned about my life. It's so refreshing. I can actually forsee a very warm, affectionate, equal partnership forming between her and I... given the chance...