Soul Piece

I had a dream last night... it felt like a gift, as it is the closure that I have desired for a while now. I've heard of dreams where someone "gives" you something, and in all actuality, they are giving you a soul piece... something that has belonged to you all along, yet, for whatever reason, this dream figure has come to give it back to the proper owner... me, in this case.

I dreamt that Jac came to me with a small black bag, she gave it to me, stating that God had told her to give this to me... or rather back to me, as the case seems to be. Inside this bag was the scrabble tile "U" along with sand.

Upon waking, it did not take long for me to figure out that the letter "U" sybolized me... it was in fact, me, who she was giving back to me. After a little research, I discovered that sand often sybolizes the "passing of time or time passed". I felt such freedom upon the realization that this dream was telling me that I have "ME" again, and that my time with Jac is Past...

I don't know which felt more uplifting... being free of the seemingly unending cycle of comings and goings between her and I, or the fact, that I completely have me now. It all feels grand... I feel grand... I am now basking in this feeling of completeness and freedom.

Place of Peace...

Staring at this white space, waiting for the flood of emotions to come, to take life form, once I open the dam. I've been feeling a lot of differnt things over the past few days, saddness and disappointment mingled with hope and acceptance. I am not sure which has taken precedence... so, right now, in this moment, I am mainly feeling blessed.

Blessed to have myself, for I have grown in comfort and acceptance of myself as I am. Reminding myself not to settle nor become too laxadaisacal however, as growth is not born out of stagnation. Still, a since of being at home within my own skin, an acceptance of who I was in the past, who I am in this very moment, and who I am forever evolving into tomorrow.

I have known for sometime that I would have to get to this place... place of peace from within before I would be able to be a good partner to anyone. Perhaps why things never could get totally "right" between me and the ladies in my past. Now I feel comfortable and confident in exploring new relationship, as I now feel that I am totally present and able to extend myself to another.

I know this might not happen today nor tomorrow... still the possibility is now open, and patience has come along for the journey. Patience and Openness have finally made the long awaited appearance, and I feel good, really good about that.

Never Knew...

I never knew that I could cry over someone I never met.
Nor shed a tear, for a love that was never beget.
I never knew, that I would some day mind,
That attractiveness in me, she could not find.

I never knew a heart so open could close with just a glance,
Of some off hand photo taken, and now no longer a chance.
I never knew I would ache so badly as I tried to understand
That there is no tomorrow, she simply washes her hand.

I never knew I could be so shaken, as to almost fall,
For someone who has to see me to love me, no consideration at all,
For all that I am, for all I can be, for all that is me.
I never knew that it was not me who she could see.

Taking a Chance

So, things are going fairly well for me right now, probably why I have not been here to post... I mostly write to release feelings, to help me cope and deal with the inner tornado that goes whirling about. Plus, the new girl I am talking to has been taking up all my free time, including some sleep time, which has been the only unfortunate part.

I feel very optomistic about where things are going with her. We are taking our time, truly getting to know one another, before rushing into meeting or anything. It's kinda cute, maybe even romantic...

It isn't all fun and games though... this getting to know someone new... opening up to someone all over again... I feel my heart is strong, and so I am willing to take a chance now... and always.

Untethered

I am moving on with my life without you, what I thought I could never do.
And yet it is easier than I ever even imagined, for it is just time...
Time to say good-bye, to dry the tears, to close that forever swinging door.

I'm done crying, missing, daydreaming away my days and nights over you.
I am finding that there are no more tears, only laughter, laughter anew.
I feel so light now, untethered in every way, completely open, at peace.

Now I can say, "Thank You and Good-Bye" and truly mean it.
I will always love you, that much will never change.
However, I am finally free from feeling in love with you!

Online Dating

Much to my delightful surprise, I have not spent the week weeping over my past love... No, rather, I have gotten back in the saddle.

For about the past month or so, I have been slolwly re-intergrating myself back into the dating scene. I have chatted and talked with several women, even went on a few dates, nothing has really panned out, except...

I have met one lady who has begun to set my heart a flutter... and, damn, this is scaring the hell out of me. What I'm trying to remember, fear and excitement, two sides to the same coin, and I do feel excited.

We have been setting up little "chat dates", and I now feel I have something to look forward to in my day. Our chats really seem to flow, and we have definately hit it off in this department. Literally spending almost a whole work day, pecking away, reading and smiling to out and out belly laughter. It's been great!

Only... I have some reservations... Mainly, I am concerned that we will meet, and find that there is no shared chemistry. I know that I fall first for the person, the person she is on the inside, and as I grow to know her, well, there is nare a more beautiful woman to me... Yet, I understand, I am in the minority where this is concerned... looks do matter to some, maybe even most.

I have never had a real negative self esteem in regards to feeling comfortable in how I look, only now, that so much seems to be hinging on this mutual attraction, well, I'm feeling a bit timid.

I'm trying to stay positive, believing if the chemistry isn't there, well, there's a reason for that, and just trusting that the Universe knows better than I. However, I must admit, I will feel a deep sense of disappointment if everything else is a go, and it is only the lack of "attraction" to foil this new friendship.

Chris speaks OUT

Not In Agreement

I talked to my Dad today, or rather, should I say I cried with him...

I was coming home from a not so hot date, early this morning, and this is always a good time to catch Dad in a talkative mood. We talked for quite a spell, and inadvertantly, I brought up Jac, knowing he'd not be happy of the subject, except that she is not in my life.

He began to banter of his feelings of disapproval of HER, when I quickly, stealth like, almost, showed him that his disdain is not for her, persae, rather, my "chosen" lifestylye. I said to him, and I quote, "Well, Dad, even though Jac is not around, you know, there will eventually be someone else". He told me that he did not want to hear that I was in love with her or anything else to do with her, still, not hearing, at first all I was saying.

I told him that it was her who had mainly persuaded me even telling him, and he quickly changed his tune, now applauding her for the "only thing right she ever did by me".... PLEASE... as angry as I may feel towards her right now, I know she did a whole lotta good in my life, perhaps I could have done w/o the outing of myself to my Dad.... Because the reason he saw this as "right by her" is so he can pray for my salvation...

I'm not downing his "organized" religious beliefs.... My only complaint , well, maybe not only, but biggest, is best exemplified in this rendition of me and my Dad talking... "Ok, Dad, how about we just agree to disagree, and not really ever talk about this again".... His reply... "Because, my way is FACT, and if you'll just read The Bible, the New Testament, so it's not so hard to understand, you will AGREE".... I went on a tangent about how, me, the English Major, would not have a problem "understanding" the reading and then...

I just agreed to read some, and I will.... I do honor him, though I do not always agree...

Karma

There is sooo much going on right now, outwardly, internally... EVERYWHERE... I am completely overwelmed in even where to begin in the telling of the tale, much less, where I might start actually sorting through and coping with it all...

Ok, so Jac brings some "items" I had left behind, to my place of employment, to leave for me, and announces that she is moving to California. Knowing full well that I know this is where her "new" yet "old" friend lives.... So, just wanted to say THANKS, thanks, for the one last jab there, Jac.

Otherwise, I just don't get why she came there, feigning to deliver "items" that I had spelled out could go in the trash. So I know, she just wanted to let me know of her departure, and that she is "moving on". All the while, she is supposing, that I am still stuck, not letting go, missing her so.

And she is right in some ways... I do miss her, some days so intensley, I can barely move. However, I have also been moving on... going on dates, taking chances, being spontaneous. Bouncing back, essentially. The latest move has actually accelerated all this, so in that way, I am thankful for her letting me know...

And yet, there were so many other ways she could have gone about this... email, voice mail, text, offline message, none of which "chancing" a personal encounter... and this is where the anger comes in.... I told her in no uncertain terms that I did not want "an in person meeting", maybe what SHE wanted, but, how are my wishes being honored in her going to my JOB, asking for me, and putting my personal business out there? I was always hearing about how I did not honor her requests, and now that I am, she is ignoring mine?

Touche'... what goes around, comes around... and yet, I'm quite sure that I am the one who is sitting pretty, as far as this relationship goes. As I am not the one who offered a ring, then ran off to be with her ex of seven years ago. I made my mistakes, as I say, I'm paying for at last. Still, gotta be some good Karma in store for all the unrequitted love I constanly offered and gave to the apple of my eye...

Time Apart

Best I can describe, the situation before me,
Is utter chaos, in it's finest form
Nothing left to regret, nothin left to mourn
For this time, it's left to burn.

I don't know the answers, no, not I
Though the inner will, I try to defy.
To keep floating, stay some how free.
And keep passing by, the inner ME.

I will ignore, the pleas of my heart,
A sad lesson, all these times apart.

No Where

The time has come, the truth may be told
The end is near, so this is growing old?
The days are long, not much to do.
The nights are lonely, if only anyone knew.

My mind keeps racing, to things of the past.
The things I've done -- I'm paying for at last.
I want to forget the people I've cared for
The pain would end. I would love no more.

My memory be erased, I could go on
It would be like, I had never been born
Then I could start, this new life I need
My heart would harden, and no longer bleed.

Why has this happened? What have I done?
To imprisson myself -- nowhere left to run...

Its just Reality

Speak, in hopes to be heard from the heart
Not of emptyness resounidng from ear to ear
But deep within the womb, where Spirt resides

Dream, of a World that is just
Where flying takes precedence over planted feet
And reality is just a word of it's own making

Cry, into a pillow as dense as is needed
To dry and absorb each tear that falls
Unnoticed as the reason for its birth

Laugh, out loud for the audience
Whose entertainment is sought on both ends
Even if only to passby a moment of loneliness...

Of a time...

Misunderstood goes the day into the night

Monoitoring what is said without success

For silence breeds absence

While words birth unintended translations

Wishing to erase former footsteps

Inorder to embark upon a new journey

One without a map of intersections of guidelines

Nor streets named after past events

Where roads have not become twitsted by memories

Of a time that is not realevant to today.

]

Missing Jac

The last few days, I've been missing Jac more intensly than I had... If I think back, it was right after I dreamt of her last, that she has barely strayed my mind. I dreamt that her and I were in bed, and she was telling me that her and her friend had split... I layed my head in her bossom, and just listened to the pain that another woman was causing her. It was hard for me to hear, but I just kept thinking, that she needed me to listen, and so, I did. I guess because it felt so real, I feel like my heart is breaking all over again.

Maybe it's because we have always shared a strong connection in the dream realm... Though it may sound weird, we've actually had the same dreams, mostly when together, but also while we've been apart. She comes to visit me in my dreams occasionally, and just holds me, and when I awake from one of those times, the realization that she is not lying there beside me, creates the emptiest feeling I've ever known.

The toughest part isn't that she left me for another woman, I know there were many issues we still had to iron out, and not the kind that happens over night... trust, that was a big issue. I could never fully trust in us, us together. I knew it would only be a matter of time before she needed some "space" again. So, I tried, best I could to just relish the moment, be totally present, although admittedly my fear did get in the way. The toughest part is in letting go... truly, from my heart, just saying good-bye... and meaning it.

I am not there yet.

Still the First and Last Person...

What a day... this is why I don't relish time off work... alone all day, with only my thoughts for company.

I did leave the house today, as I typically don't on my one day off. Had an appointment with new pain management place. Only I never made it there... seems I got in my silly little head that it was over by where I go to group... logical, as it's the only place I go to in Indiana, and I had stumbled upon this place. Nope, I completely forgot about when I went to see a lawyer, and that is indeed where I was suppose to go today. So, now, I had to make a new appointment, over a week away.

So, I'm seeing how I attracted this all to happen, every since I made the appointment, I've been fretting that something was gonna go wrong. See, I'm pretty dependant on my pain medicine in order to do my job. I don't really feel addicted, cuz I go days with littler or none, but my double days make up the difference. I indeed attracted this small tragedy, however, I just keep wondering if it isn't the Universe, doing her thing, trying to put me on track to a new, exciting, rewarding career.

It's my fear of rejection that is keeping me at bay mostly, although I would have thought that my past years with Jac would have numbed me to that fear. But, no, I'm still holding back because of this fear, and yet, I do feel I am ever nearing this goal... just in my time... I will heed to this call, I just want a lil more time to transition...

Truth is, I have grown pretty dependant of the constant influx of cash... I can be broke one day, but no worries, cuz I know I will work tomorrow, and have money again. It does get kinda difficult to save tho, but I'm managing that better now that I'm no longer gambling.

I guess I just feel so stuck in my life these days... seems I'm remembering how well I do on my own, out of partnership. If it weren't for my sexless lover/roomie, I'm not so sure where I would have turned these past few months... He's been a true Godsend, and the only thing constant in my life recently. I think he knows how much I love and value him, and just how thankful I am.

So, yeah, me single for too long not such a good thing for myself... When with the right person, at least the right person in that moment, I truly thrive, and this is recipitent. When I really think about it, I've pretty much been single for the last few years... there was no constant with Jac... maybe that is what I could never understand... and yet, understanding is not necessary in order to honor, truly respect her wishes. So, I do, best I know how, but it still lingers in my mind... I actually have whole conversations with her before realizing that this is a totally fictious thought, and I come crashing back to Earth...

And, yes, this has been one of those days, where I miss her so terribly I can almost smell her, taste her, love her.... I have thought of her rather heavily today, finding and playing over and over songs that I'd sing her. I know this is all part of the letting go process, there will be days when I can think of little else, but there is always tomorrow, and maybe I'll be missing her a little less when I awake... although this is when I miss her most, tied with, when I am falling asleep...

"the golden rule"

I just have one question... how is it that many people have absolutely no problem asking something of others that they are unwilling to deliver themselves?

To me, it's as simple as the "golden rule"... "do unto others as you would have done unto you"... okay, maybe not exactly the garb we'd use today, although, I'm sure you get the jist.

If this one rule could be applied to just most social interactions, much suffering would be spared. I mean, I know there are those who have widely different desires than most, still, in a general kinda way this could really work.

I guess what I'm getting to is, if I want honesty in my life, then I best be prepared to be honest with others. If I seek monogamy, again, willing, ready and able must I be as well. If I want spontanaeity or craziness, well, then I'd do well to accept any possible consequence... that's all I'm saying.

In this moment...

Melancholy... that is the word for this moment.

Beaten... though not totally down.

Tired... of this circular heartache.

Frightened... alone again in this great big bed.

Tomorrow... may be a little better.

Hope... has not vanished in it's entirety.

Love... could blossom again some day.

Tomorrow... I am awakening anew.

Obsession...

I'm beginning to think maybe I'm a little obsessive... I don't really think I fit the compulsive part. Unless you count the things I do against my better inner judgement as compulsive behaviour.

But I definately obsess... I am way into my head. Being air in both my sun and moon sign, I guess I just can't really escape it. I've been doing some reading of this lady who learns to meditate, in India, of course. Anyway, I think that meditation would be of great service to my existance... THINK being the opperative word here. I've had friends and lovers to slightly nudge me in this dirrection... maybe they knew me better than I myself.

I have been trying a simple chant I learned in the book, Ham Sa "I am That", it's pleasant and it's easy. The only thing I'm sure I'm doing wrong is laying in bed trying to sleep while I try this practice... lol. It's more of a "shut the hell up brain, I'm trying to sleep" mechanism for me right now... I've always done this, since a little girl, I can remember just repeating the word "sleep" until I did indeed meet that goal. Jac said that was a form of meditation... So I guess now, I'm realizing that I need a break from that yackidy yac thru out the day, not just as I'm trying to quiet down for sleep.

Yes, that's what I need more of in my life... quiet time, allowing my thoughts to pass over me. Jac always quoted someone, not Dr. Phil, but some inspirational speaker guy, to notice your thoughts like clouds, see them, let them keep floating by. And I guess that is kinda how thoughts are, floating from one subject to the next... unless, of course, you are obsessing over a particular thing or two at the moment.

Luckily I've had my thoughts being mixed up intermediately... failing love life... bottomless career... fear of new exciting career... lingering legal issues... and back to the no romance syndrome. It's just not right to have a Libran single for too long, her forever goal is reaching unconditional, requitted, passionate, soul merging love.... and yes, I am a hopeless romantic... tear.

Time for Me...

So, this is my first time blogging... bare with me, I say to myself, for besides my roommate, Chris, I doubt I'm talking to anyone other than myself.

I'm feeling down, wore the fuck down... I haven't had much luck these days, and instead of trying to save myself from plummeting further into the black hole, I've accelerated this free, yet completely outta control fall.

Seems drinking doesn't really reduce the pain... in fact, it feeds it, this canabalistic cancer of my soul. For under the influence, I might do even more damage to my non-existant romantic life. Like, ummm, sleep with someone on the first date, yeah, that was a good idea... NOT. Or write, text or call people who have not really expressed an interest in hearing from me... Cest' la Vive! I did not come here to become my own punching bag...

And yet, why am I here at all... on this blogsite... not the eternal question of existance.

Seems I got some baggage to drop, some thoughts that need form, perhaps loosening it's grip upon my very soul.

I'm upset because my love life is miserable... seems I'm finally coming to terms with the faltering, failing status of my relationship with Jac. She hasn't written in nearly a month, and I know the last of our words were indeed the last of our words, leaving a sting that hasn't quite eased into the back ground yet.

Then to top it off, I met a terrific chic, at least what little I know of her, and allowed my drunken ass to sleep with her on the first date... HMMMM.... I know in heterosexual relationships, this is usually the beginning of the end... who knows, she claims to "want to be friends".

And what is that exactly, anyway? A nice, thanks for the roll in the hay, but I think I'll take my business elsewhere? I guess I thought with women it would be different. I had never had an unknowing one night stand before (with a woman).

It's awkward, I realize, to go from just meeting to sex. But to me, a real interest in friendship would imply some sorta communication, like calling, for instance. I know I need to be patient, yet, patience is not exactly my forte'. I know that is part of my inner calling, to connect with the essense of patience.

I was told that the "chemistry" wasn't there for her, though I'm stumped, wouldn't that have prevented us from sleeping together all together? I mean, if all core feelings were absent, why even continue w/the date, at least end it before we were both in our birthday suits. Or maybe the sex was less than stellar... that'd be my first complaint... still, a possibility I must admit.

I think the bottom line is neither of us is really emotionally available... single, yes... free of our exes... no, not so much.

I'm not ready to jump into a deep relationship, I know this, and yet, if things were to naturally flow in that dirrection, well, who am I to stop it? I mean, I am not so rigid to think if things go other than I planned them out in my silly little head, then it must be a bust... c'mon.

Sure there would be fear... fear of rejection... fear of getting hurt... Although, without this little feeling in the pit of our stomache, well, we'd probably not ever know when we were ever on to something... For me, this fear indicates an interest for further investigation... If you never try something new, well, you'll never have anything new... seems logical to me...

Maybe it is too soon for me to be putting myself out there... I mean, still so fragile, heartbroken from my last love. Although I'm certainly not going to allow one date to set me back, for I am a believer in "if it's meant to be"... although that always sounds so hollow when friends dole out that worn out adage.

So, for now, I have me, and for once, I am completely OK with that... seems I'm over due for some quality one on one with myself... time to pamper me, give myself all that I am always so overly eager to give my lover... be my own lover... lol...